Determination

(Reader discretion is advised, but not recommended.
‘You don’t want to gently guide them along the path through the forest that is your mind, you want to lead them to the top of the cliff and shove them off.’).

Awaken. Come back from your peace. Your body needs you. Crystal…
    Vision blurs from a state of dreaming, to face the realm she left behind. Shapes mainly, of varying shades of darkness. Her eyes had adapted during her slumber. Awareness slowly returned, grounding her mind to the vessel she had drifted from. The chill had numbed all physical sensation, but the blood spoke the truth. She would exhibit gratitude for her involuntary functions later, breathing would seem pointless had she the choice to stop. Too many shapes. Still too much light. You disappoint me Darkness, she thought.

    The aching began to fill her senses, first dull, then concentrated at one spot, then another, raining around her body until a steady shower soaked her consciousness and fully connected her soul to reality. She twitched limbs, estimating the extent of the damage, each one immediately followed with regret. Moving was impossible at this point. How upsetting.
    “Why did you wake me? I found heaven, and you pulled me back to hell.”
She feels the space around her face vacuum; he gazes into her beaten hope and strokes her cheek.
    Do not leave your body here. Lift yourself from this place, you must move on.
    A sob rushes from her throat. The thought of moving, as though she still cared to live, as if it were an option.
    Come now. Your left hand is not hurt much, brace against the ground.
    The sobs came easily now, revealing her frustration without shame. She wanted to lay there. Moving meant feeling. Her body was her enemy now, it would only drain any spark of hope she could muster. Why try.
    Get up Crystal. I will not have you succumb to this suicidal hopelessness.
    Suicidal? How dare he. She did not set these circumstances, she did not twist her fears from the promises of relief, she did not steal her sense of control and freedom, she did not bear her vulnerabilities willingly to those who would only humiliate them. How dare he.
    That rock by your head…
    She resisted his direction.
    Look!
    Anger surged in her gut, tightening her limbs closer into her core.
She looked. On her left was a rock imbedded in the dirt, protruding enough to grip hold of and draw strength from.
    Now, reach out to it. Tightly. Pull it under you.
    She gathered her breath, preparing enough determination to follow though with his plan. When she lifted her hand towards the rock, every muscle she had forgotten existed stung and throbbed. She dropped her hand onto its unwelcoming surface with defeated sobs. She lingered, entranced by the swirling darkness in her vision.
    The second step is easier, come on. Pull!
    She breathed in shivers, then tensed and pulled herself onto it, her other arm dragging along the cement like a mass that no longer belonged to her.
    Good. That’s excellent. Curl your knees toward your chest. Carefully. There will be pain between your thighs when you bend.
    She clenched, snarled, dreaded this. With all the tolerance she could exact, she shifted her legs up under her to meet her chest. All at once the realization slashed the body she was bound to with agony. Rips and cuts deepened and splintered, surged and spilled. Her lungs cried out but her throat had sealed shut with shock. She wanted to slice out the parts that betrayed her, cease the torture. She remembered now. The blast of hatred proved her suspicions. Why couldn’t she have stayed asleep. Why couldn’t the blades of all the worlds vengeful create large chasms in their thick hides and expose them to the terror of judgment! She remembered now. If only she could forget.
    I’m here. I’m here. You’ll be alright. Just stay with me. Listen to my voice. Focus on my words alone. I am here to save you. We will get you away from this nightmare into the comfort of my closed darkness. Think of that solitude. Think of my safety. You will be hidden. Allowed to release. I will shield you. You will be alright.
    The pain faded to echoes as she lay in stillness. When her face unwound, the cool touch of the wind meeting her tears awoke her to the stinging around her eyes. Her narrow vision was due to more than darkness. New discoveries around every corner. How exciting.
    “I don’t want to move anymore. Can I please just rest. I won’t get far enough anyway.”
    He blew gently into her mouth, reminding her system to breathe. He placed a hand over hers to utilize the rock, wrapped around her waist and inch by inch lifted her upright. Her head sagged toward the floor it desired to stay close to. Throbs crashed against her head, deafening her to the silence around her.
    Crystal.
He whispered, noticing her lost in distortion.
    Crystal, can you see me yet?
    She parted the swollen skins of her eyelids as far as they would stretch, searching the colorless static before her. Some potential objects took shape, but vanished when she tried to catch them. She somehow couldn’t distinguish between light and dark anymore. Were her eyes even open?
    “I can’t tell. What should I be looking for?”
    There is a metal pole three feet to your right. I need you to hug that pole. It can support you when you stand.
    ‘He wants me to move again.’ Perhaps he’s finishing what they started.
    Stop that. Focus on getting to the pole. You’ll feel okay once you can lean on it.
    “No. I can’t stand up. It will hurt again. Please don’t make me stand up.”
The corners of her lips pursed for the ground, pleading for some way out of this. She just wanted to lay back down. To fall onto the blanket of darkness and escape this suffering.
    You WILL get up. Imagine leaning on that pole. Feel the metal warmer than your skin. Welcome its sturdiness, its reliable connection to the sky and earth. It will hold your head, resituate the heaviness of your body off your legs and pelvis. Can you hear its dreams disturbed when you fall against it? Let it share your burden. Get up. Go to it. Hurry. NOW.
    She all but leapt from her crouched position, not more than one pace before the pain seized her and she fell against a lamp post. The clang shook her mental nerves, annoyed that she had knocked it from silence. It was not warmer. She felt no difference between the metal of the pole and the cold that deadened her skin to external sensation. Her muscle battled with its solid curve as she tensed against the punching pain. All understanding of what was, yielded to the feeding chaos that swallowed her. Screaming would not be enough, so it was not utilized. She could only bear witness to a force that removed all comprehension that she lived. Her human identity disappeared as if it never existed. In those moments, she was naught but pure torment.
    Come back to me Crystal. I won‘t let you detach. Come back. Listen for me. Find my voice. Do you hear me? We will get through this. You‘re better than this. You can beat this. Bring your focus outside. Look around you. Feel for the ground beneath you. Feel for the pole supporting you. The worst part is over. You made it past the worst of it. But we must continue on. I will guide you forward. Open your sight.
    Through the sobs that had erupted from her withering heart, she could follow his words. The ground pressed hard against her soles. The pole had melded with her side, letting it brace against the earth to help carry her weight. The worst part is over. ‘Have to trust that.’ She opened her eyes.
    There! Do you see that light?
    Far past the shadows, the stirring shapes, the mixture of shades, the throbbing that blurred this nightmare, rested a constant area of light.
    Do you see it?
    “Everything… hurts.” She stated with acceptance. It was over. She could take no more.
    I know it hurts. But you need to head towards that light. Head right for the center of it. Just get started and I will do the rest. Do that for me? I need the momentum.
    Her legs recognized the drill, but failed to respond. The connection from her head to her limbs was severed.
    Don’t will them to move. Expect them to. Feel your legs as their own entity. Know their duty. Now execute it.
    One knee twitched, hesitated, but proved how it was supposed to feel. Before it lost the signal, she stepped forward.
    That’s it. Just let it happen.
    They alternated, slowly, uneven at first, and found an appropriate pace; comfortable enough to maintain a rhythm, but fast enough to refuel her easily diminishing motivation.
    Her legs switched to autopilot, guided onward by some belief that salvation exists in that light. Why would her darkness lead her there? There was no logic in his direction, but each step closer further solidified that some sort of peace did lay beyond that light.
    Just keep moving. Keep moving. Getting closer. Almost there.
    Her pace carried her, soul, body and mind, toward that light until it encompassed her being and all she needed to do was step into its graces.
    At last.

    “Oh my god. Someone get a stretcher. We need to get her to the ER stat. Page Doctor Phelps. Miss, you’re going to be okay. Can you talk? Tell us your name.”
    “What happened to her?”
    “How did she walk in here?”
    “We need help here!”
    “Miss?”
    “We need to stop the bleeding. Sedate her.”
    “Miss, can you hear me? We’re going to put you to sleep for awhile. Can you tell me your name?”
    “Sleep?…”
    “Get her to surgery. She’s non responsive. Have the doctor meet us there right     away.”
    “Sleep?…”
    Yes. Sleep. Relax my sweet. You can rest now. We made it. I’m so proud of you.
    “Sleep. At last…”