Here are my direct notes regarding my purposes, book organization, meanings behind each stories, overarching connections, and ideas in the works. I figure until I can establish a more clear way of guiding the reader through the seemingly random and unrelated posts, these notes will have to serve as the cliff notes (as much as it pains me divulging it all). I may update this page as I alter the master copy on my computer.
Prepare yourself, this is long.
That Voice Series Planning and Explanations
Inspired by Sandman
This is it. I found the overarching theme to majority of my writings. The connection. This encompasses my true style, my ability, my focus. A collection of short stories, articles, and musings unified by this idea. All those shorts of my life, incorporating my fascination/connection to whatever personifies that voice at the time. I knew the key lay in that, but I didn’t place how until this story (Determination). *My Darian. The very essence of my imagination, my rational side, my alter ego, childhood friend, guardian angel, inner strength, deity and spiritual guide (Desperation title of that story, works the idea that in praying to a deity you are tapping into that inner strength, relinquishing control, power of the mind; in believing, you have made it so. ), the vampire in my role-play fantasies (danger, adventure possible titles), soul mate/true love, voice literally (confidence to speak up about a wrong), ideal parental figure or role model (lull me, comfort me to sleep), my connection to both gender extremes (bisexuality), he is the manifestation of whatever I need or want in that moment, my coping mechanism, my light and dark for balance, my constant.*
Exploring need for empathetic companionship.
Darian. I see him during times of hardship, when feelings of hopelessness settle, when I am lost and ready to forfeit. I lose touch with him when I am involved with life, when I am handling my everyday satisfactorily. I ache to see him. He was my perfect partner. No White Knight, a being of darkness; quiet but thoughtful. I only knew to call him an alien when I was younger, but it was never accurate enough. He lingered between living and nonexistence, as literally he was in my mind. His eyes were most piercing, sometimes I could conjure them in my mind, and my body would react as though he were gazing at me, willing to be more visible. I was continuing conditioning from my childhood. To remember how to be engaged in an invisible fantasy. Somewhere along the line we forget how to allow ourselves to be captured in just the creations of our own imaginations. No images, or movement other than that of our own body and what we pretend is happening.
My companion. I speak to him in the night, curled against the wall or a blanket which serves as the base material which I paint an image over (yup, making out with a blanket, like you would practice kissing with your hand). He is my alternate personality, the logical side that allows me to be irrational and emotional. He is my anchor to reality. I speak for him, since he is still a figment of my imagination, but my ears need to hear complete sentences in order to react adequately. He is my personification of death. My mystery.
One day I will finally meet him and I will be complete. (Except he has been with me the whole time; he is me.)
(Still using this?) - Titles of each are what he personifies. Interchangeable, one story she can be the idea he can be in another. Exemplifies stemming from same mind. Themes and target: bisexuality (both sides Crystal/Darian), feminism (woman’s voice, wrongs against), inspirational, mostly nonfiction I think, but there is some that is fiction (can be reverted to nonfiction to keep in category?), importance of voice, do piece on silence (being unable to speak with bronchial infection, inspired by Michelle (Mirror Muse)), singing/public speaking (even my perf. anxiety work ties in, excellent, probably will fit better on the site, too much of a tangent?). Heavy symbolism (as fitting my analytical tendencies). Light and dark but never distinguished as good or bad, a merging of the two (bipolarities). Inner strength. I found the merging of my Darian to my Sandman.
Prologue (tweak end)
Short stories (define order), compile which ones fit and adjust rest, edit
Connecting story within, Death (visualization) as last entry?, explaining what it is or at least its final use in life. May need to adjust that story dialogue of dying woman to cover all the bases outlined above. Needs to be solid, flowing. Any poems relevant? Stories within story (the very layout of this book).
Each story should be conveying a different manifestation of him. Character development through each scenario, the many things this voice represent.
Epilogue? (does end convey the right message?)
I pledge to not be discouraged by rejections. I know it is exactly what I want. Settle for nothing less. I pledge to not give up until I am fulfilled. I pledge not to look up the title online to see if it already exists. This is my work, and the only one of its kind.
Amazing.
Use journal entries as inspiration. Rework to better fit the focus and goals of book.
Feel like Im stretching too much still to make old entries fit this model. Stick with using these as inspiration/starting points for a piece that will fit into the model? What will fit? Each conveying different influence or use in my life? Is story arch the progression of his service in my life? Starting as teddy bear, imaginary friend, comfort, working out problems, to partner for sexual exploration, religious discrimination/exploration through praying when times rough, last resort, became confidant and counselor, logical side of me in years of mental disorder,
should track the influence/role in one girls life. Except these were dispersed. Maybe an example of each at various stages of life. How he appeared in each stage. Problem is I don’t want to do too much definitive reminiscing. Not fun. Want to enjoy recapping with old friend. Easier for me to work in symbols. Get too clouded when working directly with memories.
Goes beyond just Darian though, as I seem to have lost touch with that manifestation since my relationship with Jim has become more solid. Lately baby has become the being by which I attach that infinite wisdom/omniscience that I once attributed to Darian, or one might assume of God. So don’t limit these stories to just how Darian is represented, but how my needs are met through my own conscious or unconscious application of certain attributes. In essence I am showing that while we need companionship, ultimately we can fulfill that role for ourselves. This is a testament to the ability of the mind to adapt and substitute in order to fulfill basic needs, a survival mechanism perhaps. Religion itself is a testament to humanity’s need for a source of wisdom, guidance, and love. We have created a being (or beings in polytheistic religions), referred to as God, to provide psychological needs. The irony is that although we praise these mysterious beings for their outside help, we are the ones providing for ourselves. What about fate? We assign an omniscient quality to these manifestations, that they can affect change or bend one's path or the paths of others that would intersect with theirs. The need being met here may be expressing gratitude, simply the energy generated by something going the way you want needing to be released.
Stories fitting model so far (^ marks stories edited and posted):
^Prologue - in voice of partner conveying mystery of this presence, this voice influencing his wife
^Fairytale - analyzing idea of perfect someone, ideal mate
Beginning of an End - discovering Jim is right for me, appreciating him, merging ideal, integrated into my life now? Darian loses his purpose/fades as my needs become met, Jim becomes my Darian. Jim replaced Darian in a lot of ways, in my fantasies, as my guide and confidant. I rarely see him now.
^Determination - overcoming intense fear, guide/inner strength. Edited and ready!
Suducre (change title) - Want to be more positive, different use of my fantasy role play, not like FF2 role play, focus more on comfort, trust, safety, intimacy. May need explanation how this works (live, pretend with bedding. Major editing needed).
^FF2 - dark desire, psychi of victim, Darian provides safe means of delving into and exploring the dark corners without real fear. Identify this. Begin with a quote about how children cope with trauma through their play.
Dear Angela (there are two of these, plus Love Restraint poem) & ^Tough Love - moments when we try to act as voice for someone else, try to influence the path of another; sending a message to Erin, 2nd letter is sending my hopes out to Angela and finally relenting goal to change her.
He began - imaginary friend, panda, can be complex but worded simply to highlight how early the voice manifests, comfort, coping childhood trauma. Could just be me playing. Beginning of Ebony story fits better here. More focus then on clutching panda, using panda as source of comfort, as shoulder to cry on, as means of playing through loss of pet.
Jadzia stories - identifying pets as a physical manifestation of the voice, develop relationships in spite of verbal communication, may serve similar purpose as an imaginary friend.
Religiosity - notes exploring meaning of god, need one that more firmly identifies that voice serving as a spiritual guide, someone you pray to and turn to for help (see short paragraph above).
That night - counseling, talk therapy through emotions and memories of betrayal, need to edit him in more.
Death visualization - final? personification of him, should divulge his purpose (above list should be explained, the varies purposes he served, need to edit content)
^Enjoy the silence - FF2
Didn’t I write one where I was explaining the comfort of darkness, referring to it as a friend. Built from times I would escape to my room, or hide in darkness outside. Should hint at reasons for repeatedly retreating to room (parents arguing). Again a need being satisfied, that conditioned me to appreciate the solitude of darkness and use it as a basis for creating Darian character.
Epilogue - partner believes figured out mystery, indicating integration of voice into me/host?
Coast trip - Exploring a taboo region of companionship by engaging intimately with another woman. Search for sexual and emotional satisfaction diverted me to same sex adventures.
^When will I know you (Could be whole book of its own, should be organized together) - Expresses concern for potential role I must serve as a parent in properly raising baby. Me settling into eventual role of voice for baby, before I knew I was pregnant, when I wasn’t even sure if I could or ever would.
Invasion and Finding Out - Becoming pregnant and how it affects me. I become that voice speaking to it as a twist/turn around (connect to obsession with aliens?). Book of Shadows is my attempt at being that voice for my child.
Book ideas - make into individual stories that tie in somehow? Could be interesting sci fi ones, relating aliens as another example of the voice (at least for me); a belief in a superior presence .
Rationale and Crying after Sex -
Model - ?While I created Darian as someone to look up to for everything I strived for or considered to be complimentary, my little sister similarly idolizes characters from video games. Their stories provide her something to aspire to. I told her I’m just glad your role models are characters with respectable qualities, and not like Paris Hilton or some other teen idol popular for fame rather than personality.
For an alter ego or split personality story use Guilty Conscience by Eminiem and Dr. Dre as a title. Borders on schizophrenia.
Explore his role in dreams? Many have mentioned sleep as an escape. Indirectly touched on in Determination story.
Still many writings to sift through for more inspiration or material.
Katt has begun brain storming and sketching drafts for the cover. Laura and Grace might also be interested in doing some artwork. Kristin on logo. Ben and Jim on voice acting/readings. Extra conception art would be posted on website.
Seems to be developing its own organization based on what his purpose or role is. Should focus on the different manifestations created to satisfy basic needs, Darian being ONE manifestation that served many needs.
Potentially be divided into chapters. Obviously multiple sections.
I don’t like the idea of organizing into story of my life, would rather divide into categories exemplifying the role or purpose he served. Each entry for first few should be introducing a particular role (eventually this might be how the book is organized). Next explaining the relation with darkness, how it served me (mentioned in list). Safe, comforting, hides me, no image required, I create the scene, escape from reality. I swear I have another one where it comforts me, dialogue between us. Where we argue about the unknown. Nevermind rewrite it. Take what you like from the original and do it how you want it to be told. Don’t rely so much on the past or old writings. Those by default should be skeleton works to be adapted and changed to fit what you’re goal is. One thing at a time. Work on one thing at a time as you come to it so as not to get so overwhelmed. Who cares if its out of order. Later on when you’ve got a better understanding of what the overarching idea is you can create a page that outlines the best order to read the stories in. Besides, no one will likely read each post as it comes out with the understanding that it is a continuous story. Remember this is for editing and LATER organizing for a potential book. For now, put all that stuff out there out of order, as you get it and love it. Keep it satisfying. Don’t get like this again where anxiety rules because you get stuck in a mindset of how it should be. The finished stuff should go out first anyway so you have time to write and sort through the untyped raw writings. Plus, it might better attract readers who are led to the blog because of a particular story. ‘You don’t want to gently guide them along the path through the forest that is your mind, you want to lead them to the top of the cliff and shove them off.’ (Thanks babe).
Relabeling as if dividing posts into the goals I am ultimately after. Each its own story arch that should have continuity and all coalesce to a unified close. Goals designed to establish my happiness, better myself, prepare and accept the future. Perhaps all in preparation for after death?
Emotional Ventilation
Defining Faith
Search for Exceptional Terrestrial Intimacy (does this include friendships?)
Self-actualization, mental growth (attaching ideal qualities to him, model/idol, the logical side, bettering oneself)
Accepting the baton (mature past my need for him to serve as voice for baby)
How do pets fit into the model? Pets are that voice given consistent form. They fit into any of these categories because we each find a different purpose in them. Jadzia was my baby, temporarily fulfilling a maternal desire to feel needed. But she was also my source of compassion when I needed to cry. Bayou was a companion to Chelsea, an ideal boyfriend if you will. Odin allows me to prove Jim and I could properly raise a child together.
